Death and other things

I can’t help not think about death these days. I keep thinking what if suddenly someone I love dies. I honestly don’t know how I’ll handle it. What if my sister was grabbing something from the top shelf of a bookshelf and falls backwards and hits her head against the table. I hate myself for thinking like this, but I can’t control myself. Not sure why I am thinking this way, this has only been happening for the past few days. I am not sure how I’ll react to the death of someone close. Thank God it never happened yet. I am scared, because whenever I think about something, it happens. I WANT to stop thinking about it. I NEED to. What if…what if God is preparing me to handle it once it happens?  I know everyone dies. It’s sad, but it’s life. I think I would want to die first before any of my loved ones die. I know it’s selfish, because this way I don’t want myself to go through the suffering of one’s death, but , urgh, I don’t know.  I am being extra protective over everyone recently. I think I now understand why my parents act the way they do. To keep me safe. To keep themselves from going through that phase no one would even wish their worst enemy goes through. The brother of my sister’s friend died when he was 15 years old 3 years ago. My sister just found out and she told me. It was the shock of my life because how he died is so sudden, out of nowhere. He drowned in the school’s swimming pool. How could someone expect that? I think I prefer dying from some kind of disease like cancer, than such a sudden death. At least I’ll be prepared. At least my parents would be prepared. I can’t imagine the scene when the school called the parents about the incident. Was the mom cooking and dropped the plate of cooked beans on the floor? How did she act next? What was her next move? I am crying just thinking about it. Was the dad at work looking forward for the phone call he’s been expecting for weeks claiming he’s been promoted and instead he got the phone call about his son’s death?  God, we should be grateful. I should be grateful.